So there I was, making a loaf of my world-famous jalapeño cheddar bread, when an unusual thought occurred to me. Well, unusual for some folks, but not really for me, per se.

Here’s what I was thinking: At 115 feet long and weighing 100 tons, how did Argentinosaurus not crush itself under its own weight, especially with pneumatised (hollow) bones? More importantly, how did a creature that big get away from predators? Run? Swim? Jump? It’s fossils aren’t connected to particularly wet areas, so it wasn’t a floater, like a bored college student at the pool on spring break. Besides, to maintain that mass, it had to eat more or less constantly.

“Wow,” you say, “he thought all that while making bread?” Well, yeah, kneading is a long, tedious process that doesn’t require much brain power. The Politically Incorr... DiLorenzo, Thomas J. Best Price: $12.95 Buy New $12.96 (as of 12:56 UTC - Details)

Then another unusual thought occurred to me, and this time it was unusual even for me.

Here’s what I was thinking: Suppose 100 million years ago, the Earth was smaller and thus gravity was greatly reduced, thus huge land animals didn’t weigh then what they would now? Suppose the continents don’t “float” like slag on a molten sea, but rather are ripped apart by an expanding planet?

If you’re starting to see the connection with making bread, give yourself a gold star, and then consult a therapist.

Here’s what started it all: I was reading this article about how Earth’s interior is all lumpy and bubbly, kind of like those old lava lamps that hippie chicks always had on a table in the corner next to the incense burner and patchouli oil.

I’ve also been monitoring the earthquake swarm in Ethiopia, along the Great Rift where the Horn of Africa is tearing away from the continent. This, of course, is tangential to Earth’s weakening magnetic field and impending pole flip, allowing greatly increased amounts of cosmic radiation through, and allowing the solar “wind” to strip away the ozone layer (not CFCs).

Which brings me back to the bread.

When I first finish the dough, it’s a tight ball about the size of a softball. After an hour or so, it’s a soft mushy blob twice its original size. It’s not a perfect metaphor, because the bread isn’t adding mass, just blowing up like a balloon.

With the Earth, however, that flood of cosmic radiation lets tons of protons and electrons and neutrinos plow into the ground. The neutrinos mostly pass right through at relativistic speeds, but some strike random atoms and convert from energy into matter. All of this is adding mass to the Earth, albeit a miniscule amount relative to a human lifetime, but over (cue Carl Sagan) millions and millions of years, it adds up.

Suppose, I mused, the continents don’t drift, but are rather pulled apart by a swelling planet? Suppose it wasn’t an asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs, but increasing gravity crushing them? Suppose those blobs and bubbles the scientidiots have “just discovered,” despite decades of mapping the planet’s interior with sound waves, are new structures indicating that the weakening magnetic field is allowing in more radiation, which is increasing the matter that makes up the planet?

And why does the smell of yeast always make me crave a high-quality brewed beverage?

Oh sure, there’s a constant rain of cosmic dust falling on us all the time. About 80% of the dust in your house is your own skin flakes, but some amount of it is star ashes. Stuff falling on the surface wouldn’t cause the tectonic plates to separate, though. That would have to be new material deep inside causing the planet to swell, similar to the way yeast farts cause dough to swell.

Is there any other indication that the Earth is swelling? Well…

Imagine a bowling ball sliding down the alley doing its back or side spin. As the ball goes along it swells, adding weight and girth. What happens to the spin? Well, it slows down, right? it’s all laws of physics type stuff; trust me it’s true.

Well, guess what? The Earth’s rotation is slowing by 1.7 milliseconds a century, just like our bowling ball. It’s happening on Venus too, though Mars is spinning faster. There’s obviously other factors involved, but our situation here on Earth lines up with other observed phenomena that indicate a swelling planet. 5-Minute Core Exercise... Dzenitis, Tami Brehse Best Price: $3.26 Buy New $4.95 (as of 07:21 UTC - Details)

Now I don’t claim to have special insight here, but the pieces seem to line up in a way that makes sense and views the planet as a holistic system, rather than isolated events. Besides, I don’t trust scientidiots. Their heads are buried so deep in their navels all they see is lint.

Taking just one of the scientidiot gospels about plate tectonics, if the Earth isn’t swelling, what would cause the plates to move in the first place? If you blow up a balloon and cover it in plaster, the plaster doesn’t suddenly start shifting around. But if you add more air, cracks form and the pieces start separating, right?

If a bunch of enormous animals roamed the Earth millions of years ago, then suddenly (geologically speaking) all died out and the biggest thing we have now is an elephant, it seems increasing gravity could have a lot to do with that.

Just sayin’.

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