“Jill, you up? ….Dr. Jill, you awake?”
“Go back to sleep, Joe! It’s the middle of the night!”
“Mmm…OK”
Joe stared at the ceiling for a minute. Maybe it was an hour, thinking, dreaming, half-awake, half asleep. Where the hell is that red phone? I remember distinctly that when I was a Congressman we had a red phone. I saw it, it glistened in the sun like the hairs on my legs….
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Joe gets up, and begins to wander around the room. All of a sudden, he sees it, sitting on a small table, across the room. A 1960’s style telephone, with a red light blinking.
He shuffles towards it.
Muscle memory takes over, and Joe picks up the receiver. “Hello?” He hears a voice he doesn’t recognize, speaking slowly in accented English. “Who’s this?” he asks. “This is Vladimir Putin! Good morning! How can I help you?”
Joe goes blank for a minute, but then gets an idea. He’ll converse with Bad Vlad, because his staff never lets him do that, just like they try to limit his ice cream, and give him those little pills he doesn’t like before a big speech. It feels a little sneaky, and Joe has always loved getting away with something, and being under-estimated. He’s always been a naughty boy. He feels like talking now, and no one can stop him.
“Vlad, you old devil! I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I need a big win, and I also need to make sure the CIA or Kamala doesn’t make me I die in my sleep anytime soon. Your army is freaking decimated, I said that to Time Magazine even before I said NATO weapons could strike inside Russia. The best thing for Ukraine is for the war to continue. I said that too. How ‘bout it, big guy?
“Mr President, I think perhaps there is information that is not getting to you, perhaps it is your staff or the various intelligence agencies in the West. But I’m very glad you called. You are known as a great maker of deals, an excellent negotiator. I’m sure we can move in a direction that helps the West and also ensures there is a Ukraine.”
Joe recalled his days in the hood, and all of a sudden he remembered his old friend Tupac. Many people don’t know that Joe Biden was a great admirer of Tupac Shakur, and that they used to hang out. Joe loves rap, and he loves telling black people they have to vote for him to remain black. He’s been doing that for years. It always worked out great, Joe thought. He distinctly remembered the words of the great Tupac, in another war, decades ago. Tupac said “Now let’s go to the table. Let’s talk. Let’s make peace. Let’s work it out. Let’s give the community the money.” Now Joe wasn’t too sure about giving away any money, but otherwise, he felt inspired.
‘See here, Vlad. I don’t have a lot of time before the election, and Trump says he’s gonna end the war in Ukraine in 24 hours. But not if I do it before him. My old friend 2Pac was a great general, a smart general – way smarter than the perps running my national security council. He used to tell me, “Let’s go to the table, let’s make peace.” What do you say?”
Mr Putin paused, glad that the old red phone was not equipped with live video. He thought the old man must be sleep walking and dream talking. But, with Vlad, you always get the same answer, one that is truthful, well grounded, legalistic and logical. So he said what he has been saying for several years. Joe listened as if he had never heard it before, because he had never — ever — heard it before. He was amazed, and in a moment of lucidity he blurted out “I can fix this!”
They talked a bit more, and Joe had a plan. A NATO/Ukraine/Russia cease fire would commence immediately to allow for expedited Ukrainian presidential elections to be held. If the US didn’t suspend elections during the Civil War or WWII, then Ukraine had no business suspending theirs. Given that Zelensky has the support of less than one in five Ukrainians, that election serves up a new government and a new president. Turns out, the ceasefire is so popular folks there want to maintain it. With Zelensky now in a villa outside Ukraine, direct Ukrainian negotiations with Moscow become possible, and productive. Brothers and sisters come together, and while Joe has nothing against Nazis or Banderites, after being boosted by US support, they are directly blamed for the horrendous destruction of their country and a million Ukrainians, and they fade away to Canada, where they are welcomed with open arms.
Joe had listened to Vlad lecture him a bit on history, and it was hard, as it would be for any modern American president, and most Americans. His mind started to wander, but he got through it. About all he could recall was something Vlad said about NATO expanding, like a blob, a shapeless inhuman life form feeding off the unsuspecting inhabitants of an entire continent. That image stuck in his mind. He knew what he had to do.
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Nuke NATO!
With that happy thought, he fell back to sleep.
That morning, Joe felt pretty good. His smug, superior Delaware groove was back, he was ready to go to work. He remembered most of his plan, and called in his staff. He started off with “We are going to change directions regarding NATO and Ukraine, and I’m going to win this election in November!”
Avril and Jake simultaneously looked at Biden’s doctor, silently mouthing the same question. Tony and Lloyd started thinking about starting a band, something to stay busy and make some tips. Kamala had been looking at her sandals, wondering if she should change into mules for the rest of the day, and entirely missed what he said.
Before Biden could explain his European peace plan, and tell them that “Nuking NATO” was a figure of speech, just like “freaking decimated,” the man in the white coat stepped up with just a little something to make Biden’s mind race and calm him down at the same time, you know, to make him more manageable.
Soothingly, Dr Jill and Avril both leaned in and said, “Sounds like somebody had a bad dream last night.” Joe sat down, looking confused.
“Maybe I did. Maybe I did. But it felt so real! I was talking to Vlad, and I understand everything now….”
Avril came over and let him smell her hair, and it did smell nice.
Breakfast was served, and small talk made. Joe didn’t say anything, but he was hoping he could have another dream like that later in the afternoon, during his nap – this time with his old friend Bibi.
