SANDY HOOK, N.J.—I need some French gendarmes in riot gear out here at Gunnison Beach.

Can we borrow some?

It’s hard to find any American police officers who will walk up to sunbathing women and make aggressive comments about their body—and for good reason. They’re gonna get a verbal smackdown, not just from the lady in question, but from any female within earshot.

Oh, sure, we’ve got the Thong Police in Myrtle Beach, where the delicate souls on the city council have outlawed any garment that makes more than 51 percent of the bewtock visible. But those cops are fresh-faced Boy Scouts in Bermuda shorts on three-wheelers who mostly just have to carry plenty of plastic wrist restraints, since the thong-wearing beach babes of South Carolina, some of them outweighing the cop by a hundred pounds, are almost always guaranteed to put up a fight. The Problem with Socia... Thomas DiLorenzo Best Price: $9.49 Buy New $11.93 (as of 06:45 UTC - Details)

“You need to cover that up!” the cops yell from their all-terrain vehicles.

“What are you, the Bikini Police?” comes the retort.

“Why, yes,” they have to say. “Yes, we are.”

“That’s ridiculous!”—“ridiculous” being a word police officers don’t like to hear when they’re surrounded by agitated crowds going, “Hey, this is cool, get out your cell phone camera, let’s see what he does next.”

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And he usually gives one more warning.

“You have to cover up or go to jail.”

And they refuse. The idea is just too bizarre for any Southern gal to make the correct decision in the brief amount of time they have to understand that (a) a cop has accosted them, (b) he’s looking at their thong bikini, (c) there’s a law here about thong bikinis, (d) he’s actually going to enforce the law, (e) he has no sense of humor, and (f) he used the word “jail.” Conspiracy Theory in A... Lance deHaven-Smith Best Price: $5.66 Buy New $13.40 (as of 04:25 UTC - Details)

I mean, the brain of a woman who spent 45 minutes finding that thong at Target can’t process the complexity of the situation.

So they say “Screw you”—and actually end up in jail.

That’s why I think we need some officers from the Côte d’Azur to strap on their duty pistols and get over here and do some on-site training—because I’m enormously impressed by what I’ve seen this past week. I was especially dazzled by the photo of the four officers in bulletproof tactical vests who surrounded the woman on a Nice beach and stood there, transfixed, while forcing her to remove her burkini. They had riot batons. They had radios. They had sidearms. And most impressive, there were four of them. Overwhelming force combined with the element of surprise—there would be no backtalk from this woman.

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