As much as we like to think we’re so much more advanced than people in the Middle Ages, we’re actually not too different. We still listen to demagogues and use dangerous cosmetics and drink too much. We’re still superstitious and paranoid and xenophobic. We’re still really into dragons. Bear that in mind while reading these extracts from medieval advice texts, books of conduct, and manuals. Some kind of make sense, some are timeless, and some are exactly the kind of thing that we make fun of the Middle Ages for. Just don’t forget that our generation invented an app that just texts the word “Yo.”
1. LETTING YOUR BOSS’S WIFE DOWN EASY
“Sorrye I cannot tryst with thee Sharon, I have byne taken ill.” © Italian School
The Middle Ages: Every...
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The Book of the Civilized Man by Daniel of Beccles (13th century) is one of the first English courtesy books, or books of etiquette. It covers faux pas like, say, mounting your horse indoors rather than outdoors or stealing the silverware at a banquet, and delineates who gets to urinate in the dining room (only the host, obviously). Its advice is often timeless, such as in this case:
If the wife of your lord turns her eyes on you too often andwantonly looses shameful fires against you, letting youknow that she wants to have intercourse with you; if she says,“The whole household and your lord, my husband,shall serve you for ever, you alone shall be my darling, youshall rule everything, everything which belongs to yourlord shall be open to you”… consult me, my son; what Icounsel is planted in your heart; between two evils, choosethe lesser evil; your safer plan is to feign illness, nerve-racking diseases, to go away sensibly and prudently.
Next time you feign a cough to delay an unwanted suitor, think about Daniel of Beccles and remember that history is full of little white lies.
2. HOW TO JUDGE A MAN BY HIS FEET
A medieval job interview. © Seton Hall University
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Another section of the Secretum Secretorum addresses the pseudoscience of physiognomy, which is based on the idea that a person’s outer appearance directly corresponds to their behavior and personality. The text identifies all variations of a person’s features, from the shape of the eyes to the length of the arms, and pretty much arbitrarily assigns positive or negative traits to each. So exhaustive is the text that even the feet aren’t left out. After all, no king wants to have an advisor with foolish, shameful calves.
Similarly, broad and fleshy feet indicate ignorance and love of oppression, and small and soft feet indicate wickedness. The best feet are those of moderate size and symmetrical of form, with little flesh, sound nails, and symmetrical toes. Thinness of the ankles denotes timidity, and their thickness indicates courage. And fullness of the calves and ankles denotes foolishness and shamelessness. Likewise too full thighs show weakness and softness.
Take this advice to heart when making new friends and you’ll never have to worry about your buddies betraying you because of the wickedness of their tiny, perfidious feet.
3. THE WAY TO A WOMAN’S HEART IS THROUGH HER RAVENOUS, SHAMELESS MUNCHIES
A woman about to eat a whole cauldron of ramen in bed with her giant scary cat. Courtesy stravaganzastravaganza.
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The 12th century text De amore (The Art of Courtly Love) does not have many positive things to say about maidens. In fact, its author, Andreas Capellanus, takes pains to emphasize that women are duplicitous, fickle, and envious. Among his list of the weaknesses of women is one item, though, that sounds familiar:
Woman is also such a slave to her belly that there is nothing she would be ashamed to assent to if she were assured of a fine meal, and no matter how much she has she never has any hope that she can satisfy her appetite when she is hungry; she never invites anybody to eat with her, but when she eats she always seeks out hidden and retired places and she usually likes to eat more than normal.
The similarity this description bears to today’s popular Everywoman characters like Liz Lemon is pretty striking. Although the advice here is that a woman will do anything for a meal, the second part of this statement shows us something timeless. As misleading as Capellanus’s other judgements on women can be, this observation seems to be directly alluding to how, almost a millennium later, a girl’s best friend is often a whole family-sized thing of snacks, eaten alone in bed.
