Recently by James Altucher: Is Google Turning Us Into Cyborgs
I showed up at the SATs in my pajamas. I had woken up late for the most important test of my life – the one test that determines what college you get into, which then determines how happy you are, who will marry you, how much money you make, and how many people you can legally kill or maim before they jail you in a minimum security prison while your money rests in Swiss bank accounts. I rushed out of bed, got two number 2 pencils and went off to the school on that Saturday morning.
About 200 kids from all over the county were waiting to take the test and were crowding up the hallway. I am not exaggerating: when I arrived they parted down the middle like I was Moses. I was in my pajamas: glasses, acne, my hair uncombed and in every direction and grasping those two number two pencils. I was like the God of the SATs.
I clearly looked like someone who was going to kick ass on the SATs. I was 17 but I had been taking the SATs every year, as practice, since I was 12. I remember crying at age 12 begging my mom to teach me the quadratic formula, u201Cjust in caseu201D.
What a joke. I can't even remember the quadratic formula now or what it's used for.
Because nothing is used for anything.
Our lives are the worst misshapen archaeological digs. Imagine a skyscraper built on top of an aquarium, built on top of a merry-go-round built on top of an earthquake fault in the middle of a volcano. None of it makes sense. It's a maze, a mish-mash, a mess.
And yet that's how we grow up. Get good grades or u201Cit goes on your recordu201D (nightmares still of my mom screaming at me when I was in fourth grade and caught shoplifting: u201CYOUR RECORDu201D…u201Dyour recordu201D…u201DYOUR RECORD!!!!u201D). Get a good SAT score. Go to a good college, then graduate school. Get a good wife , get a good raise, a promotion, move horizontally through the corporate ladder, then vertically, zig zag up like in the childhood game chutes & Ladders! Get money, get a good car, fly business, then first, get art, build a stock portfolio, get your kids on the same path you were in (u201Cif it was a good enough for me, it better goddamn well be good enough for you, you spoiled little brat!u201D), get a new kidney because I have so much money, get an award, get multiple women crying at your funeral, and tough guys, Old Men of the Sea, spilling at your ashes over the ocean (u201Cthe world will never be the sameu201D, one of them finally says after the requisite silence.) GOD BLESS AMERICA!
What the hell just happened? I was going to write about YOUR major life decisions and for half the intro I'm a virgin in pajamas with two pencils comparing myself to Moses.
Ok, 12 MAJOR LIFE DECISISIONS YOU MAKE WITHOUT THINKING
A) College. Oh my god. How many times to do I have to say it. I even wrote a book about it. I've been writing about this since 2006.Finally the NY Times has caught on. Mark Cuban even wrote an article this weekend. People are finally realizing it: COLLEGE IS/WAS/WILL BE a SCAM. I mean this in the worst possible way. It's the US government trying to rob our 18 year olds (who do you think backs the $300,000 in student loans you graduate with?) because they've stolen from us until we're shopping in dollar stores in Vermont as the only way to survive. I've written and argued and explained too much on this one so you can read about what I've said here and that will lead to the rest of the links. Note: I give alternatives that are MUCH BETTER than sending your kids to college.
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But my main question for this article is: why do we think our 17 years olds are prepared to make a decision that involves a half a million dollars at this early stage in their lives (DO NOT argue with me about the math. I will beat you down with a stick.) ?
B) House. Oh sure, you can buy a house for $200k and sell it 10 years later for $400k. That's the extent of how people think about this decision. We're not allowed to think deeper. It's the American Dream. It's ROOTS. It's what's needed to create stability before we can CREATE. We NEED A HOUSE. It's drilled into us from an early age. Not even the white picket fence. Just something innocuous that's implanted like a secret science fiction chip into our brain: u201CJust a place I can rest my feet and call my homeu201D. “A place I can plant flowers.” “A place I change the walls”. ROOTS.
It's such BS. And again, I write about it here. But: maintenance, property taxes, interest payments, more maintenance, time spent, lack of flexibility, lack of ability to maximize your income because you are stuck, illiquidity of a massive investment, massive debt – and is the debt backed by…the US government. God Praise the Queen! Or the President. Or the Minister of Security. Whoever. Someone has their hand in your pocket. There's a hole in your pocket. They are feeling around past the hole.You! My good friend. Have just been molested.
C) Marriage. I've never seen something like how it is in the movies: two people meet in a cab and then head to Las Vegas and get married. Maybe it happens in u201Crealu201D life but I've never seen it. But I've seen two people, age 23, meet for a first date and then ten days later get married. Or even worse, two people live together for 5 years and then finally decide to get married.
What the hell are you thinking? Marriage is like the worst thing ever (married people, hold off, I'm going to come full circle on this)
- You're going to spend the next 70 years with that person EVERY SINGLE DAY
- You're going to see that person in every worst possible way. On the first date, imagine them in the hospital with tubes sticking into every hole in their body and their head shaved. Now kiss them.
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- You're done. Unless you are cheating (please don't do that. It's too stressful for everyone involved, its unhygienic and could spread disease, and it will destroy all the people around you) you are not having sex with ANYONE ELSE for the rest of your life.
- The passion in your marriage will eventually wear off. Not necessarily, but it's a normal part of life. As I've written before, there's the saying: put a penny in a jar everytime you have sex before the marriage, take a penny out every time you have sex after. You'll never empty the jar. I hope that doesn't happen to me but we'll see.
- It costs money! On average, that is. Let's say 50% of marriages end in divorce (I don't care if the number is accurate. Some large number ends in divorce) then imagine the expenses of supporting two households. Or three. Or I know people with five households they are supporting. It really hurts.
- You might fall in love again. With someone else. Anything can happen. We are talking 70 years! Hope that it doesn't happen to you but some people are addicted to falling in love. Maybe your new spouse is. I hope not!
- People change. What you liked about your wife when she was 23 might be 100% different at 33 and 100% different at 43. I hope you change together but that's a pretty big gamble. If you were a gambling man would you gamble that two people are going to change together over a period of 70 years? I would almost never make that bet without incredible odds.
This doesn't mean I hate marriage. I love being married. Here's my post on The Purpose of Marriage.
Just don't make this major life decision without thinking about it. I have a checklist in the above post. Make sure you can AT LEAST check all of those boxes.
D) Children. First off, before I rant, I LOVE my children. Someone sent me an angry email the other day:
u201CYour the biggest prick in the world for talking about how your 10 yr old daughter is spewing BS and vomit from her mouth when she lies to you. Your a sad excuse for a father you piece of shit. You cruel, heartless bastard. I hope you lose your wealth and your possessions and wake up to what this life is all about you shit head scumbag.u201D
