10 Things I Hate That Everybody Loves
One of the
downsides of being special is that you feel out of place wherever
you go. I donít understand half the stuff people like and I suspect
they donít, either. Take cigars, for example:
You donít like
cigars, you like the idea of cigars. You like standing on
the balcony with the other men after the dinner party and doing
something a woman would never do in a million years, but you donít
actually enjoy that cigar hanging out of your mouth. If you did,
youíd smoke them when you were alone in the woods, which you never
Having a "Mc"
in your last name means every birthday someone buys you a bottle
of expensive whiskey. The problem is, whiskey tastes like gasoline.
Itís especially bad when they take the extra time to let burnt peat
moss smoke through it Ė then it tastes like gasoline thatís been
sitting in an ashtray. I like bourbon because itís sweet and tastes
like cotton candy when you ice it. However, 99% of the reason we
enjoy booze is because it gets us drunk. Letís stop pretending we
actually enjoy the taste. If we did, weíd drink nonalcoholic Makerís
Mark at breakfast.
Iím told these
games are much more complex than they seem. "Itís like chess,"
sports fans always tell me. But all I see is a bunch of transient
millionaires playing a game outside. Whatís so fun about watching
someone else play? What are we Ė gimps? I guess I understand that
watching sports all Sunday is a way to bond with a dad who isnít
great at talking with his kids, but that seems to be the only redeeming
thing about it. I didnít grow up with sports so I see them for what
they are: boring. I once spent a day researching the rules to football
and learning about the teams involved in a Super Bowl game, and
after trying to enjoy the 11
minutes of action a three-hour game provides I stood up and
said, "Thatís it. I gave it a chance and I can now say, unequivocally,
beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this sucks." Besides, donít
you feel kind of queer talking about all these men and their injuries?
Oooh, Rodney Jackson sprained his ankle. Letís read an article about
his legs. Sports arenít chess, theyíre gossip for men.
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© 2012 Taki's