Stop the Obesity Carnage! Establish a 'No Pie Zone' and Ban Spoons!
Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers
by Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers: Why
Korea Beats Japan
Diabetes, Heart Disease, High Blood Pressure costs this country
more than $120 billion dollars each year." Michele Obama
It is well
known that obesity is Americas number one killer today. Don't believe
me; just take a gander at the video
of Michelle Obama as she makes the quote above. Talk about the
pot calling the kettle black!
made me do it!"
people in the USA have been calling for a gun ban as we all know
that inanimate objects (as well as God, dogs, voices in the head
and Frank Zappa recordings) can and do control human actions. Guns
are responsible for about 9,000 deaths in the US annually. Meanwhile
obesity, er, I mean, spoons and forks, account for over 300,000
deaths. Where are our priorities?
Of course we
need to ban all guns and ammo (as well as camouflage clothing, night
vision glasses, Coleman camping equipment and sterno lanterns).
But, let's get our house in order and set our priorities straight!
We must fight back against the obesity epidemic by severely restricting
spoons and all other types of silverware and table utensils that
make it easier to become obese!
The real problem
with America today is obesity not gun murders... Therefore I propose
a federal ban on spoons as too many Americans eat far too much ice
cream and sweets... I also propose enforcing a "No Pie Zone" over
all major American cities.
I have pitched
this idea and done so for absolutely free (no copyright claims to
come from me as I do this for the greater good Apologies to Walter
Block). I have also shown this idea to my intelligent friends on
Facebook and asked for their opinions. I think you'll find the following
exchange of ideas to be quite refreshing and invigorating....
Let's now put
our heads together and find a way, a true way, in the American spirit
of bi-partisanship, towards finding the best way to deal with this
obesity scourge that is obviously caused by kitchen utensils.
I have a dream!
Today spoons and forks, tomorrow desert plates and tablecloths!
Let the discussion
begin! Here's how we tackle this obesity epidemic once and for all!
Here are selected quotes from my distinguished panel of friends!
You need to move incrementally you can't just throw this down
all at once. First you need to make people register their spoons,
and also restrict the capacity of spoons allowed. Once that becomes
accepted, you can move towards limiting the number of spoons a person
can have, and you can also restrict the movement or exchange of
any spoons. Then, and this is the important part, you announce that
there is a bill in the works to criminalize any and all silverware.
Finally, you strike down all the provisions of this new bill except
banning spoons of any type. You also move most of the old spoon
restrictions over to forks. Everyone thinks they got off pretty
well and gives up their spoons easy as that!
Marc Abela: Since
you don't want to alarm everyone, first I suggest we increase taxes
and add bureaucrats who will build a paper based federal spoon-registry
list... all spoons will need to have a serial number on them, and
they will need to be registered and attached to a clearly identified
idea! I suggest a federal commission be created to study the feasibility
of federally mandated studies studying registration of spoons. Perhaps
we can implant chips in the spoons to make sure individuals are
not sharing their spoons with other people in violation of section
23.1234B (section d) of the "Freedom in Spoonerisms Act of 2013."
My only fear is that people will use loopholes to get around the
laws and insist, for example, that those little plastic spoons you
get at Starbucks for stirring coffee be exempt from all federal
regulations and taxes.
Hill: Make everyone eat with a coke-spoon.
Are those Coke spoons under the 16oz legal size limit?
Unfortunately, a huge black market, of illegal spoons from foreign
countries and also locally made spoons, explodes into existence
and the Feds create a new bureaucracy called the BATFU (Bureau of
Alcohol Tobacco Firearms & Utensils). This monstrosity consumes
1/10 of our federal budget and most of the employees are grossly
overweight. It doesn't matter though because nobody but extremists
and conspiracy theorists give a sh*t.
!?" I laughed so hard coffee came out of my nostrils on that one!
Well, it looks good on paper, but will it really work? Usually,
as Ron Paul says, "Enforcing No Pie Zones" is an act of war under
the Geneva Convention... And it's usually followed by a full fledged
military invasion (to seize spoons). Can the US afford such actions
under the current economic environment? I think not... That is,
unless, of course, the invasion pays for itself when we melt down
those spoons and resale the metal to China (like the Iraq war was
paid for by the oil we seized from them).
Red Brown: The
BATFU is here to see you! They are now working with the DHS (Dept.
of Household Security) and need to see your kitchen. A no pie zone
has been established between Wendy's and Arby's, where your neighborhood
Red Brown: It
is illegal to have your own black market pie, but you can buy commercial
pies they just taste like sh*t and cost a lot. I have heard there
is a pied pipeline, from Mexico, and you can get pies there they
all taste like cinnamon, though.
hear Hostess pies are still available downtown on Market & 5th
street after 8 pm. Ask around....
Red Brown: I'm
cracking myself up just thinking about this what a total folly
it always is when the government sets out to help us by harming
No! You are not adult and mature enough to understand the difference
between a spoon that is safe and a dangerous one. Sure, sure, some
people say spoons are a "Gateway utensil" that, later on in life,
leads to even more over eating, but that hasn't been proven in laboratory
just made these illegal!
Read the description
on this pocket monstrosity! It says, "Look like a big honkin Swiss
army knife. The Eatensil is designed for the kitchen. It combines
seven tools which make eating easier a spoon, fork, knife, pizza
cutter, chopsticks, bottle opener and wooden chip fork all in
a Swiss Army Knife-type casing." The Eatensil?! We've
got to put a stop to this!
Red Brown: Remember,
food is bad. The last two letters in "food" are OD (outside
diameter) as if it were some kind of sick joke. I used chopsticks
the other night they are the bolt-action rifle of utensils, for
sure; easy to manufacture, though. How anyone could get fat
with those damned things is beyond me...
are either with us or you're with the delicatessen owners!
OK so, I'm ready when you are, my "But spoons DO help" poster should
be ready in a few moments (for the moment all the crazy revolutionary
rebels come shouting our way "Spoons don't feed people, people feed
guns because guns cause gun crimes. Outlaw glass bottles at bars
bottles cause people to get their necks slashed. Outlaw kitchen
they stab people...
remember to shout down those who don't think that inanimate objects
control people to do things they normally wouldn't do. The evidence is
there and the science is settled...
If anyone says,
"Spoons don't feed people, people feed people" make sure you print
this article and shove it down their throats...
everyone knows, printing machines cause choking.
(in Tokyo) Rogers [send
him mail] was born and raised in the USA and moved to
Japan in 1984. He is the president of an Internet & Cross Media
advertising/marketing agency and a media production company named
He writes about marketing, the Internet and Social Media at the
Marketing Japan blog. His book, Schizophrenic
in Japan, went on sale in 2005.
© 2013 by LewRockwell.com. Permission to reprint in whole or in
part is gladly granted, provided full credit is given.
(in Tokyo) Rogers Archives