Why the Romnibus Wasn't the Omnibus
by Fred Reed:
A Surrender of Sorts
I have been
a bad person. I did not vote. I confess it. I would rather be caught
in a gay brothel dealing in underage boys than in a voting booth.
The two are equally degrading, but voting carries the further implication
of low intelligence. Ages ago a Japanese friend told me We
are not too intelested in Amelican national erection. Me too
What was the
point? We suffered Years of blather from unqualified charlatans
who regard the public as ignorant hamsters of low caste, and what
do we get? The same unqualified charlatan. We could have done it
without an election. Think of the peace and quiet.
practice holding elections, I mean is thought to be fraught
with consequences. For example, I am told that the defeat of Romney
signals the end of rule by Angry Old White Men. I hope so. I enjoy
living in the Third World, and soon Americans will be able to do
so from the comfort of home.
To me Mr. Romneys
candidacy signaled the Republicans admirable capacity to do
the impossible: find an aspirant even more depressing than Obama.
But they managed. It was a triumph of the human spirit. Never underestimate
How was this
result achieved? Mr. Romney asserted that Russia is Americas
most perilous adversary, wanted to deal fiercely with China, asserted
the nonexistence of Palestinians, pledged his undying troth to Israel
(America presumably would be a second wife), wanted to attack Iran,
and thinks we need to increase the military budget.
Oh god. Oh
Were the Chinese
paying him off? If you want to bring the United States down, keep
it spending. On anything. On everything. Does nobody understand
It is most
curious. Conservatives think that Reagan the Baffled won a great
victory over the Soviet Onion by spending it into penury. Grrr.
Woof. But in the great sweep of things, what he did was to increase
military spending. The Russians didnt matter: The Pentagon
quickly found another financial pretext in Terrorism after the budgetary
godsend in New York. Subsequent presidents continued the trend.
From a Chinese point of view, it is wonderful. They build their
economy while we assassinate ours. They dont need a military.
Ours is doing the job for them.
The trick is
to keep Americas wars going as long and inconclusively as
possible until the land of the free (free lunch, free rent, free
everything) ends up selling pencils on street corners. I figure
Beijing pays the White House under the table.
So much for
Romney. By contrast, with Obama we will have little cause for alarm,
other than abolition of the Constitution, currency controls, selective
denial of passports to enemies of the administration, uncontrolled
inflation, wild federal spending, and a level of surveillance that
would frighten a laboratory rat. See? The Democrats are much better.
I feel so liberal.
In a decade
I figure we will look longingly at North Korea as a model of civil
Then we have
the gender gap. I am told that women favored Obama by a margin of
twelve points, while men went for Romney by eight. Here is clear
evidence that women do not understand politics. It is too difficult
for them. They worry their pretty little heads about trivia like
schooling, health care, peace, security, paying the bills, and having
a livable country in which to live. No nation can long survive such
an agenda. Repeal the Nineteenth Amendment, I say. Should women
ever evolve politically, which doesnt seem likely, they will
see the wisdom of killing child goat-herds in Afghanistan, like
their sexual betters.
And the geography
gap. I have seen Mr. Romney quoted as describing Syria as Irans
route to the sea. This is fascinating. He doesnt
know where Iraq and Turkey are. And what does he think the Persian
Gulf is? A ham sandwich? Oh well. Theres always Google Earth.
But the hamstervolk
want a hamsterfuehrer who Looks Like America, and if a candidate
were discovered to know where his wars were, he would be thought
We come to
the threat of socialism. Mr. Obama, I am told more often than I
really think necessary, is a socialist. He is going to make America
into Europe, thought to be expiring of socialism, a sort of economic
gangrene. The same people also tell me, often with curious orthography,
the he is a Marxist, a communist, a Moslem, and an America-hating
Christian. This notion is an example of the remarkable versatility
of barely existent minds. If the man is a Marxist or communist,
these being explicitly atheistic, then he cannot be a Moslem or
any kind of Christian. If he is a Christian, then he cannot be a
Moslem or a
On the outdated theory that words mean things, I had recourse to
the dictionary and found that socialism is an economic system
in which the means of production and distribution belong to the
government. Thus America cannot be socialist, since the means
of production belong to the Chinese. Nor can I understand why Europe
is regarded as socialist. I have walked the streets of Madrid, Paris,
Sevilla, Frankfurt, on and on, and seen no indication that the stores
and restaurants belonged to government. Neither, I thought, did
Siemens, Dassault, BP, BMW, Mercedes, Santander, Leica and, most
importantly, Bass and Guinness.
to me like a capitalist economy with good health care and long vacations.
I feel deeply threatened by this nightmare, and hope that Congress
will impeach Obama before he can impose such a dreadful thing.
The idea that
Obama could turn the US into a socialist realm is more interesting
psychologically than economically. It suggests depths of giddy retardation
that could be plumbed only in a bathysphere. Corporations control
the US. They own Congress. Do you really think that the CEO of Lockheed-Martin
wants to see the company nationalized and himself put on a federal
salary? Oh sure, any day now. In fact, I expect it by nightfall.
Yes, I know.
I will get email telling me of the economic collapse of Europe,
in stark contrast to Americas booming economy, full employment,
staggering trade surplus, and incorruptible government.
For all these
blessings brought to us by our laudable leadership, I suggest that
instead we ought to borrow Angela Merkel, Uri Avnery, or that unpronounceable
but indescribably gutsy and intelligent woman who is giving the
dictators hives in Burma. Diversity would be our strength.
is author of Nekkid
in Austin: Drop Your Inner Child Down a Well, A
Brass Pole in Bangkok: A Thing I Aspire to Be, Curmudgeing
Through Paradise: Reports from a Fractal Dung Beetle, Au
Phuc Dup and Nowhere to Go: The Only Really True Book About Viet
Nam, and A
Grand Adventure: Wisdom's Price-Along with Bits and Pieces about
Mexico. Visit his
© 2012 Fred Reed
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